Return of the Mack? or, How I Clawed My Way Through the Wilderness After One Year

Wooooosh. Do you hear that sound? It's the noise of exactly one year passing since I last updated this thing!

While I wish I could claim that this was done by design - uh huh - it should be pretty apparent that time may have slipped just a little bit away from me, yeah? The list of reasons as to why such an extended hiatus was taken seems like it would rank worthy of a blog entry all of its own, including various financial and employment hassles, an unsettled and at times volatile living situation, and - surprise surprise - the ever-present mental demons. Mind you, it's certainly not for lack of ideas that such a long interval between posts was taken, either; far too often, I would have an idea in my back pocket (including at least one that will almost definitely be my next post), only to be distracted by other projects, ideas, self-doubt, or, more simply, life getting in the way.

Well, no more. While I certainly can't guarantee that this "grand return" (if you wanna call it that, lolololol) will ensure that the tennis writing juices will start flowing with greater force, I hope to have the chance to throw something out there at least every once in a while going forward - if I'm able to break myself free from the endless run of film critiques that seems to be my primary form of expression these days, that is. Simply put: whether done out of leisurely pleasure or for paid assignments, writing is fucking hard. I admire and envy the spirit of those in the tennis writing world, both professional and otherwise, who are able to crank out piece after piece on a regular basis; between everything else that's going on in the world and my ongoing mental struggles, I feel like I have a hard enough time trying to hammer out scribbles about my BS little movie collection, let alone try to give an expert detailed analysis of, say, Cecchinato vs. Copil at Roland Garros, ya know?

Honestly, the best way I can sum it all up is this: of the many things that have changed in my life over the course of the last year, one that has seemed to become a constant is my identity across all platforms converging into one. Be it Twitter (my main platform for all my tennis thoughts and whatever else is running through my brain, sober and otherwise), Instagram (your best source for seeing my face and all my cute animal pictures, as well as my butt), Rate Your Music (where the vast majority of my writing is done), or this outlet, all of these platforms have more or less combined into a ginormous whole for me; indeed, tennis blogging feels like but one aspect of a larger writing mosaic for me, considering how much stuff I've done elsewhere in the last year, both paid and otherwise. To know me is to know the amount of time I spend on RYM, that I spend watching tennis, loving my pets, etc, so it only feels natural to me to merge these aspects of my life, the more and more comfortable I get in my own skin. So if you've happened to run across me on any of those platforms and you're interested in getting to know me further, absolutely do not hesitate to add me anywhere you see fit and feel free to keep yourself dialed in with what I'm up to, writing or otherwise, if you feel so inclined. :)

(I missed you, boo. *single tear forms*)

That being said, it is interesting to see just how much has changed from when I started this thing until now, obviously. When I first started this blog, I didn't really have any grand scheme or plan in mind beyond the Black Tennis Month entries of last year; in hindsight, that is one of the most fun, amazing, and rewarding things that I've ever put together in my life, certainly something that I look back on with a lot of pride (which I'd hoped would be the case when I had the idea for it). Writing 28 things in 28 days was very difficult (I would compare it to being akin to having homework every single day for a month), and I certainly felt a number of emotions upon completing the project: amazement, disbelief that I pulled it off, relief that it was over, but perhaps most importantly, so much pride in what I'd done. The words of encouragement I received after completing the damn thing mean more to me than you'll ever know or that I would ever be capable of articulating, truly. :')

A number of things have occurred since the last time I chimed in, of course, and it's certainly interesting to look back at what's gone on with some of the players I talked about. Be it off the court - James Blake becoming the tournament director of the Miami Open - or on - Venus Williams continuing to defy time, the continued emergence of Madison Keys and, perhaps surprisingly, Sloane Stephens - goes to show you what I know for taking her to task for all that off-court BS, huh? - the world, as always, rolls on, regardless of whether I have my shit together enough to chime in. What is almost certainly the most remarkable bit of info that I didn't have when I stressed myself out trying to praise her to the heavens roughly a year and a half ago is the fact that Serena Williams was fucking pregnant when she won her 23rd Grand Slam in Australia; looking back on what I wrote about her (which I still think stacks up as the best entry in the whole series, and deservedly so), I feel like I would have lost my motherfucking mind writing that blog to an even greater degree than I already did, had I known that fact.

Indeed, Serena's absence from the rest of 2017 and up into 2018 cast such a shadow over the sport for me. Now clearly, I love tennis. I'll talk to you all day and twice on Sunday about the sport, my favorites from both today and yesteryear on both tours, on-court fashion, etc. I had a friend that very recently referred to me as the black Bud Collins, which both made me laugh my fucking ass off something serious and made me think: "you know, that's not a bad career goal! Hmmm..." ANYWAY, in the case of Serena, and particularly after the struggles with her pregnancy were revealed, her absence only served to make the heart grow eternally fonder. As much as I still adore Rafa (more on him in a bit) and have many other favorites on both tours, there's nothing quite like Serena for me; to see a black person (along with her sister too, obviously), and a black woman at that, succeed so mightily in a sport whose crowd still dares to question her fitness, her appearance, her commitment to the sport (witness some of the hot takes that overtook tennis Twitter and elsewhere after she pulled out of Roland Garros this year, for example), has made me want to see her continue to succeed and shut everyone the fuck up on a level that I've rarely if ever experienced with a professional athlete. So yeah, Serena being gone affected my viewing interest quite a bit; of course I still watched all the majors and tuned into the smaller events whenever I can, but damnit all to hell, I missed Serena something serious and no matter what happens from here on out, I'm just glad she's back.

(Probably a little heavier than normal, considering the circumstances.)

(I am going to keep my ethnically ambiguous toes out out out of the "should Serena be seeded?" debate that has cropped up among the fans. As I noted on my Twitter a few weeks ago, I'm not a woman and I cannot and will never know what it's like to be pregnant. So I don't really think that's an area where I'm qualified to speak on; I will let those who can relate with her struggles have their say on the topic, while I sit, keep my mouth shut, and learn. I did think that the subject at hand was worth mentioning, though, given the impassioned discussion that the topic has inspired from both supporters and detractors.)

(Just once, I wish Rafa's OCD ass would actually try and gnaw a hunk off of a trophy one of these days. Would anyone else find that funny, or is it just me...?)

And then there's Rafa. As ever, Rafa. Since last we met, Rafa has gone on to add two more Grand Slam titles to his collection; he won a third U.S. Open last September, and then successfully defended his Roland Garros title, making him an 11(!)-time champion there. I'll admit that La Decima was a huge deal for me; the fact that he cracked the double-digits in wins at his most dominant major notwithstanding, the mere fact that he hadn't won a damn GS in three years up to that point was what made things so very satisfying. I was as emotional for that as anything that's ever occurred in my life (i.e., I cried like a baby), and by all accounts, after his game seemed to be mostly lost in the proverbial wasteland over the course of 2015 and 2016, Rafa seems, for all intents and purposes, to be "back," for whatever that's worth. I've talked a little bit on Twitter about how I've felt kind of blasè about Rafa since his 10th Roland Garros title, but upon watching him win the damn thing yet again a year later, I realize that blasè may be the wrong turn of phrase. Do you know what it is? I feel secure in my Rafa fandom. I don't feel like I need to defend the fact that I am a Rafael Nadal fan to anyone. As a teenager, I once heard a friend of mine use a turn of phrase about sports that I've never forgotten - she compared the typical male machismo that we witnessed in full force after a touch football game sometime during my sophomore year to that of a (if you'll pardon the rather crude turn of phrase) a dick-measuring contest. That's always kind of summed up how I felt about the worst aspects of sports fandom, particularly with American team sports - who's the bigger fan? Who's been a fan longer? Who knows the most about the athlete or team in question?

But you know what? My fandom of Rafa transcends all that petty ass bullshit. If you read the last entry in the blog, you know beyond any shadow of a doubt what the man means to me; watching him play has been and continues to remain one of the singular joys of my life, particularly when watching him work his magic on clay. I don't need any sort of vindication for the fact that I'm a fan of Rafael fucking Nadal, of all people, to anyone with a even a peripheral amount of tennis knowledge. If you know who he is, you know he's one of the best players to ever pick up a tennis racket; if you don't, you'll very quickly find out. (And don't any of you fuckers start that whole "he's only good on clay" bullshit around me, ever.) It's as simple as that, really - I didn't become his fan so that I could plaster my enjoyment of him all over my social networks, or to use his success as a bragging right based on my own insecurities and doubts. No, I became his fan because he was exactly what I needed during one of the toughest periods of my life, and he's carried me through that and so much more over the years - that is why I am his fan. So...*shrug* I don't know, I just feel like the final nail in the coffin has been hammered into the days where his wins and losses equate to a life and death matter for me. Sure, there are goals I would love to see him accomplish, just like any fan - I want him to get that second Aussie Open title more than anything, and for the love of Pete, can the man finally fucking win Miami in 2020? Other than that, though, I think he's done pretty goddamn well for someone who a lot of "experts" predicted early on would be a one-surface wonder burnout, has he not?

"I am a Rafael Nadal fan." Kinda says it all, really. What more do you need to know?

(I love green.)

There's also the simple matter of artistic inspiration on my own end as it relates to Rafa, as well - frankly, I think the blog that sat here as my last post for a year is one of the best things I've ever written in my life, if not THE absolute best, honestly. It's personal and candid to degrees previously unseen with me, but it also stands as the clearest, most honest expression I've ever been able to come up with of who I am, where I've come from, what I've had to endure over the years, and the person I am trying my best (to borrow one of his favorite turn of phrases) to be. Obviously, his impact on me has been so profound that I had to write something after last year's emotionally satisfying triumph, and I'm terribly proud of what I did come up with, because it so very clearly inspired some absolutely candid, soul-searching material. My Twitter was protected for a really, really long time (meaning you missed out on all my mid-20s rage tweets - BE VERY GLAD!), and it's only recently that I've unlocked it and actually started interacting with the community at large on a wider basis (though there *was* an exception prior to my unlocking - we'll get there), so for a really long time, it was just kind of "me, myself and I" with whatever I thought about in regards to tennis. I don't know - in a way, I was almost kind of proud that the first thing new people saw when/if they clicked on the tennis section of my little pinned writing link was this really long, emotional piece about my favorite athlete and what he means to me. It cast such a huge shadow over the rest of the blog anytime I had another writing idea, honestly; it played such a role that I felt like things got to a point where I would log in here and find myself thinking in frustration, "I can't top that Rafa post!" and I'd quit something before I'd even really started it. With one possible exception, I think it still stacks up as probably the best thing I've penned over the last year, tennis or otherwise, and I'm still super duper proud of my work there (if I can toot my own horn a little bit).

(I still love green.)

Incidentally enough, this came to my mind as a potential tweet the other day but I decided to save it specifically for this blog, both for anniversary purposes and since I really wanted to emphasize it. So I'll go ahead and make this its own separate section in which I'll speak with full bluntness: with the possible (probable?) exception of the MIA and much-missed Andy Murray (more on him in a bit), I personally think you sound really, really fucking silly if your favorite player is a member of the Big Four/Five (depending on how you count Wawrinka) and you're still bellyaching about missed opportunities, lack of respect from the fans, or, well, anything at this point. All of these guys are all-time greats; all of these guys really need no defense when it comes to a matter of who you root for. Like who you like, be secure in it, and for the love of god, shut the eff up about missed opportunities for any of them. Sheesh! I always say it, and I'll say it here too - privilege extends to a lot of places in life, and sporting fandom is certainly one of them. Check your fan privilege, seriously!

(Greeeeeeeeen *grunts*)

Incidentally enough, part 2, Rafa was also in the news before his Roland Garros final, when he offered up some thoughts on equal prize money for women's players. His comments were, shall we say, not exactly as enlightened as they could have been; as such, tennis Twitter and other outlets (rightfully) took him to task for what he said. My riposte to what he said probably differed from most; one of the primary reasons why is alluded to during the very first post of this blog and elsewhere (it's a staple of my RYM reviews, for sure), but just to reiterate: the perspective of yours truly is, first and foremost, regardless of subject matter, coming from that of a black man from the south side of Chicago, i.e., "the hood," whatever you want to call it. It's often hard NOT to feel like I have a fucking target on my back every day, no matter what I do, and I always have to be aware of my surroundings - how I conduct myself, the location I'm in - no matter how docile my personality may be, or how inoffensively I try to come off as. In other words, my life experiences are certainly different from many of these Eastern European men (as a tweet I saw recently rightfully noted about many of the top male players) who grew up with presumably privileged ass backgrounds and plenty of opportunity to thrive in their chosen profession. 

I said all of that to say, naturally, that I'm coming at the sport from a perspective that I don't feel like you often hear from in the tennis world  - precisely why I started writing about it, in fact - and as such, my reaction to what he said was probably one more of "what did you expect?" rather than being disappointed with him. He's certainly far from the first male player to utter ignorant shit about the women's side of the ledger over the years, and while I'm not and would never in a million years defend what he said (it was stupid), the fact still amazes me that people rush to ask these men what they think on the subject, as if 1. it actually matters - it doesn't, 2. ATP validation is needed for equal prize money to be valid and accepted - it isn't, as I feel that any tennis fan with half a brain knows that the women work just as hard as the men do, and 3. as if every athlete must be a champion of social justice. I guess that's what it is: I'm at a point where I don't need my sporting heroes to be both great in their playing fields and as adept/"woke" as everyone else seems to wish they were. I don't need Rafa to be both the veritable God of Roland Garros and Malcolm X wrapped up into one, ya know? I mean, seriously, think about it - what the fuck is, say, Roger Federer gonna tell me about white privilege and systematic racism? You know what I mean? Doesn't that sound silly as all hell? So I don't know, it admittedly could be because he's my favorite, of course, but rather than vitriol, my reaction to what Rafa said was more, "great, another privileged European athlete not knowing how the world actually works. What else is new?" I mean, it's not like the dude grew up across 110th Street or anything - what the hell does he actually know about what's really going on in the world? Maybe I'm being too soft. You tell me.

Do you know what I wish would happen when these questions are asked of male tennis players? I really, truly wish that the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" principle would be taken to heart, just once. "You know, I don't know enough about women's tennis and how the WTA works to comment one way or the other, really, so I'm not going to answer that question because I don't know enough about it." Is it really that hard to say something like that, rather than making an ass out of yourself? Probably wishful thinking, I know, but still...anyway, carrying on.

I'd absolutely be remiss if I didn't mention the lack of a certain grumpy Brit in the men's game, as well - yet another missing member of tennis' elite whose absence has affected my interest in the game to a much greater degree than I would have ever anticipated. My relationship with Andy Murray (I usually call him Andrew, especially when I'm under the influence and/or frustrated with him, because he did start off as Andrew, after all) is an interesting one; I started off thoroughly despising the man and his grump-ass demeanor, and I especially reserved a particular corner of wrath for him after he beat Rafa in the U.S. Open semis in 2008, after Rafa's charmed summer where he finally claimed the #1 ranking (all that was almost 10 years ago?! Oh, youth). Over time, though, I came to appreciate him more and frankly, I think his accomplishments would be viewed in a much greater light if even just one of the other three/four men that consist of his main competition weren't around. There aren't that many men that have been to as many major finals as he has, have won as many Masters events that he has, have had as much Olympic success as he has, etc, and only the fact that he's surrounded by even mightier contemporaries, amazingly enough, has prevented his career from taking the shine that it so richly deserves. His absence due to a hip injury over the past year, then, has left a huge hole in the ATP tour, not only depriving it of one of its top competitors but also robbing the sport of the presence of someone who genuinely seems to be a good person, not just in terms of personality but also for his continued (and explicitly stated, on numerous occasions) statements of equality for women's tennis and for women throughout the game in general (his hiring of Amelie Mauresmo as coach, for example, which was met with a lot of derision). The sport of tennis is a lesser place without him, and I'm hoping (maybe against hope, at this point, but let's pray that isn't the case) that he will be back to full strength very soon. Injuries suck, and no matter what you might think of Andrew, surely everyone can agree that both tours are far more interesting when everyone is healthy and firing on all cylinders. Be well, Andrew/Andy!

:D

Another huge part of what's happened over the last year-ish is probably the most unexpected and special part of everything that's gone on - that is, if your viewing device of choice has not melted into a steaming puddle from all of the unabashed combined sexiness that just filled your screen, ow! ;) I alluded to it earlier, but prior to sometime in September of 2017 (not long after I officially checked out of the cult of Zuckerberg, I think), my Twitter account had never once been open to the public, from its inception until then. Part of it was for privacy reasons, and part of it was thinking that no one would really care what I have to say, anyway, so why bother sharing it to the public at large? (Oh, self-esteem. You're always such a drag.) I'm kinda glad that this was the case, in hindsight - I had a *lot* going on over the years, obviously, and I feel like younger, less intelligent, less morally/socially aware me said a lot of dumb, almost certainly offensive things about players I didn't like (ugh) which you will hopefully never see because I was pretty much ranting to my own crazy self at the time. Anyhow, bidding adieu to Facebook for the varied and complex reasons that I did is more or less what began the consolidation of my presence on social media, essentially; I kinda had the realization one day that, you know, my life is pretty fucking boring, thus ultimately harmless, therefore I really don't have anything to hide from the public at large. So why not open everything up?

Keeping all of that in mind, then, is precisely what prevented me from meeting the beautiful soul you see in this picture much earlier, amusingly enough - I'd come across professor/"lady" BadToss months earlier on Twitter, and not long after that, even saw her in person while attending the 2016 Champaign Challenger (more on the Challenger in a bit) - but I didn't know how to fucking approach her! "Hi, you have no idea who I am, but I found you on Twitter and I know who you are! Be my friend!" Yeah, that's the best way for socially awkward me to introduce myself, suuuure. It just so happens that she went on to post a super-woke blog post in the wake of a certain Orange Overlord's election, and it was after reading that that I thought, "hey, maybe this is someone I ought to try and reach out to, seeing as how we're in the same damn town and all." So I did! And, miraculously enough, she didn't turn me away! And now I have a friend! In the same area! Who likes tennis as much as I do!!! Isn't life grand???!! In hindsight, I feel a little silly having not said anything in the first place, but again, I'm already socially awkward enough as is, plus I feel like women probably have enough red-alarm shit running through their brain from their experiences with the average man in general that the absolute last thing I wanted to do was come off as some cyberstalker or something, seriously. No matter, though - the barrier of social anxiety was broken, I made an actual friend, and if you know me through the tennis Twitter community at all, it's almost certainly because of her, 'cause I damn sure didn't know any of y'all before then. I'm beyond honored to have met you, "lady," and I will publicly and openly go on record as saying that there needs to be more of your presence in my life. :D

The Champaign Challenger is the last thing I want to address. I moved to this area in mid-2012, and I found out about the existence of the Challenger not long after that. Thanks to work scheduling and my usual scatterbrained forgetful nature, however, I didn't attend the event for the first time until 2016. The only live tennis events I've ever attended, aside from a Pete Sampras/Todd Martin exhibition match in Chicago that just so happened to land on my 21st birthday (the coolest shit), have been Challenger events; I went to the 2012 Tallahassee Challenger before I left Florida to come here, and I've gone to the Champaign Challenger the last two years running. Attending the 2017 edition inspired one of the many failed ideas I'd had for my tennis writing, in fact; I'd attended a couple of days of the tournament and thought that writing about it in greater detail would make for a fun little project, but it just so happened that the tournament last year coincided with the start of some real rough financial crap I was going through - a major bomb hit me that very week, in fact - so I didn't get to go as often as I wanted to. I was able to pull myself together and come out for a couple of days, hence the lovely photo you saw up above (Lord have mercy, I'm so glad we took that picture on a Wednesday, when I usually have my hair all done up #shameless), but sadly, that was it - any plans I had to write about the event seemingly came and went once all of the grownup crap I had to deal with hit me all at once. (If I'd known my then-new friend the way that I know her now, I almost certainly would have been like, "gurl, let me tell you what is going on...!") I won't make any promises that 2018 will be different in terms of covering the event in greater detail, but I would at least like to go to more of it than I've been able to attend in the last couple of years; there's certainly a lot of interesting stylistic differences from watching/attending a Challenger event (kind of akin to a "minor league" of tennis, out of a lack of a better way to phrase it for the uninitiated) to watching the bigger tournaments on TV, and it's certainly worth expanding upon. Will I be the one to do so? We'll see. You'd just better hope that I don't lose my job or something. (I'd better not, anyway - I love my new job!)

That about covers it, I think. At least I can say that I didn't go longer than a year between posts (barely, heh heh). As I said at the very beginning of this, I do have at least one idea in the pipeline that I'd like to pursue sometime soon-ish. Regardless of whenever I get around to that, though, it's still been a good feeling to finally talk about my favorite sport in greater detail for the first time in a long, long while. Here's hoping that it won't take me until June 15th, 2019 to be heard from again, but in the meantime, I hope all of this blabbering will tide you over until I'm able to get my shit together for the next one. Woohoo! :) In the meantime, feel free to check out the other junk I've done over the years via the links above if you wish, and please don't be afraid to contact me about anything and everything!